Another try at humor

[s2 kwkslvr]

> >
> >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > > Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A
very
> > > > > > > >attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars
> > > > > > > >($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when
> > I'm
> > > > > > > >completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down,
> > rolled
> > > > > > > the
> > > > > > > >dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
> > > > squealed..."YES!
> > > > > > > >YES! I WON, I WON!"
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings
> > and
> > > > her
> > > > > > > >clothes and quickly departed.
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
> > them
> > > > > > > >asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't
know - I
> > > > > > > >thought you were watching."
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > >
> > > > >

[Aaron]

good one....

[F8d2Blk]

That was pretty cool.

[ace9250]

Oldie but goodie.

[WebGod]

Hahahahaaaa.... :D

[Aaron]

this is very wrong (http://www.kontraband.com/html/all/show.asp?ID=1241&NEXTID=0&PREVID=320&DISPLAYORDER=20040419120017&CAT=tvads)

[Grainger49]

Where are you getting this material. I heard it 30 years ago and the woman strips from the waist down and says, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!!!" <Geddit, it is a gambling phrase?>

Makes more sense that way anyway.

But still cute even if you don't delete the carrots.

[Aaron]

Where are you getting this material. I heard it 30 years ago and the woman strips from the waist down and says, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!!!" <Geddit, it is a gambling phrase?>

Makes more sense that way anyway.

But still cute even if you don't delete the carrots.:confused: what?
the post was to a spoof TV ad about a Jesus Christ action figure. no idea what you saw.....

[Doctor T]

:confused: what?
the post was to a spoof TV ad about a Jesus Christ action figure. no idea what you saw.....
Go up a few messages to the joke about the girl throwing dice...

Gotta pay attention around here - the conversation will leave you behind if you don't...:D

[Grainger49]

:confused: what?
the post was to a spoof TV ad about a Jesus Christ action figure. no idea what you saw.....
The top post is what I was referring to. I was staying ON subject. Sorry for the confusion, I should have quoted.

[WebGod]

I was staying ON subject.
Hahahahahaa, that's awesome!!! :goodjob:

[S2KOOL]

OK, I'm confused, what is the subject???

[s2 kwkslvr]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Doctor T]

OK...now THAT is priceless...and a bit scary...

Of course, I wouldn't ever have to worry about that happening to me since I wouldn't ever get a phone call...would just be told later that those things had been bought

[Aaron]

I was staying ON subject.the subject, people, was humour. hence my posting of the new video. and yes, when referring to a post more than 1 post up, quoting is proper and considerate -- so says "Posting Rules by Aaron":D

Hahahahahaa, that's awesome!!! :goodjob: a mild "burn" maybe, but not awesome:yawn:

[ace9250]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$80,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Another good one!:goodjob:

[WebGod]

Another good one!:goodjob:Yeah, that was a funny one too.... :rolf:

[Aaron]

typical british git (http://www.kontraband.com/html/all/show.asp?ID=1352&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1355&DISPLAYORDER=20040607122528&CAT=movies)

[ToniG]

click on Mr. Nicehands (http://www.kontraband.com/html/all/show.asp?ID=1360&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1365&DISPLAYORDER=20040608145026&CAT=pics)

[ToniG]

Mission Impossible
http://www.boners.com/content/791178.1.jpg

[ToniG]

http://poetry.rotten.com/fingerhead/fingerhead.jpg

[tamara16]

this is very wrong (http://www.kontraband.com/html/all/show.asp?ID=1241&NEXTID=0&PREVID=320&DISPLAYORDER=20040419120017&CAT=tvads)
That is so freakin wrong!!! You must have way too much time to be going through these videos! :devil: :devil:

[tamara16]

typical british git (http://www.kontraband.com/html/all/show.asp?ID=1352&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1355&DISPLAYORDER=20040607122528&CAT=movies)
Ok that was freakin hilarious! :rolf: :rolf:

[tamara16]

click on Mr. Nicehands (http://www.kontraband.com/html/all/show.asp?ID=1360&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1365&DISPLAYORDER=20040608145026&CAT=pics)
Ok, that tops it all! You know me and my potty humor! I loved that one! :goodjob:

[tamara16]

Ok TONI!!!! I thought Aaron had way too much time on his hands but obviously you have more than he does that was disgusting!!!

[tamara16]

BTW Rick your jokes were very humorous! I had never heard them before!

[ace9250]

I like the car ride commercial
http://www.kontraband.com/index.asp?p=%2Fhtml%2Fall%2Fshow%2Easp%3FID%3D1352

[Grainger49]

Toni, you get too much stuff in your e-mail. Or worse yet, you have some really "unusual" friends.

[WebGod]

Yeah Toni, that was pretty nasty stuff, Aaron is definately rubbing off on you.... :D

[ToniG]

I do not and will not take credit for any of this distasteful humor.....Aaron is to blame....he logged in under my screen name and refused to let me do anything to redeem myself until now. :nono:

His humor is NOT rubbing off on me.....he's a freak who still has too much time on his hands!!

[Aaron]

whatever, we posted that stuff together & both of us were falling out of our chairs.....she's a closet freak...

[ToniG]

whatever, we posted that stuff together & both of us were falling out of our chairs.....she's a closet freak...

I am a closet freak I'll admit but we didn't post that stuff together. :p

[WebGod]

I am a closet freak I'll admit but we didn't post that stuff together. :pNo, you're just a regular freak, closet freaks don't tell people that they are freaks... :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

[Dewain27]

WebGod has a point... usually at the top of his head... but this time he really does have a point to his comment.

[tamara16]

:rolf: :rolf:

[Doctor T]

I am a closet freak I'll admit but we didn't post that stuff together. :p
Yep...you just OUTED yourself...

[WebGod]

WebGod has a point... usually at the top of his head... but this time he really does have a point to his comment.Hahahahaa, biotch... :D

[ToniG]

No, you're just a regular freak, closet freaks don't tell people that they are freaks... :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

oh, nice to know I'm in good company!!
:rolf:

[ace9250]

:D:D:D:D:D:D

[Grainger49]

:D:D:D:D:D:D
What????? :confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

That is a post??????

Shouldn't there be WORDS?

[Aaron]

assume he means to imply that he enjoyed the previous contributions.....Mike's abbreviated communication on the site does not necessarily imply a fundamental "slowness" on his part.....but combine this habit with the recent karting times he posted and one does begin to wonder ;)

[ToniG]

assume he means to imply that he enjoyed the previous contributions.....Mike's abbreviated communication on the site does not necessarily imply a fundamental "slowness" on his part.....but combine this habit with the recent karting times he posted and one does begin to wonder ;)
yeah, what he said!:rolf:

[ace9250]

:D:D:D:DWho says a post needs words??

[Aaron]

http://www.kontrabandcontent.co.uk/graphics/pics/ray_charles1.jpg

[s2 kwkslvr]

>
> >> >
> > >A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so
many
> > >others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal
> > >Democrat and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply
ashamed
> > >that her Father was a rather staunch Republican, which she expressed
> >openly.
> > >
> > >One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his
> > >opposition to higher taxes on the rich & more welfare programs. In
> > >the middle of her heart felt diatribe, based upon the lectures she
> > >had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and
> > >asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.
> > >
> > >She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him
> > >know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the
> > >time, never had time to go out and party like other people she knew.
> > >She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
> > >college friends. All her time was spent studying because she was
> > >taking a more difficult curriculum.
> > >
> > >Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary?" She
> > >replied, "Mary is barely getting by", she continued, "all she has is
> > >barely a 2.0 GPA" "And all she takes are easy classes and she never
> > >studies." To explain further she continued emotionally, "And Mary is
> > >so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She goes to
> > >all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for
> > >classes because she is too hung over."
> > >
> > >Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
> > >office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to
> > >your friend who only had a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will
> > >both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair equal
> > >distribution of GPA."
> > >
> > >The daughter visibly shocked by the fathers suggestion angrily fired
> > >back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did
> > >without and Mary has done little or nothing. She played while I
> > >worked real hard!"
> > >
> > >The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party

[ace9250]

http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/laughing-smiley-014.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/laughing-smiley-014.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/laughing-smiley-014.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[Aaron]

http://abum.com/?show_media=154

[Aaron]

http://www.powerlifting.ru/files/photo_video/video/lipatov_230_1.mpg

[s2 kwkslvr]

:laugh: :laugh:

[tmelch]

Ouch is right. Run it in slow motion. Almost cuts him in half!!

[Aaron]

She will survive...... (http://www.dragon-tongue.com/DragonTsoundEarlyVoice/funny/AlienSong.mpeg)

[S2k Dude]

Okay...

[S2KOOL]

That was...interesting.

[s2 kwkslvr]

> > FEMALE PRAYER:
> >
> > Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep.
> > One who's handsome, smart & strong.
> > One who loves to listen long.
> > One who thinks before he speaks.
> > When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
> > I pray that he is gainfully employed.
> > When I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
> > Massages my back & begs to do more.
> > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> > Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
> > I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> > And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
> >
> > MALE PRAYER
> >
> > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts who owns a liquor
> > store & a boat.
> >
> > Amen

[WebGod]

> > MALE PRAYER
> >
> > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts who owns a liquor
> > store & a boat.
> >
> > AmenThat's awesome!! :goodjob:

[Grainger49]

Aren't we soooooooo easy, and predictable?????

Not that I want to change!

[tamara16]

> > FEMALE PRAYER:
> >
> > Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep.
> > One who's handsome, smart & strong.
> > One who loves to listen long.
> > One who thinks before he speaks.
> > When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
> > I pray that he is gainfully employed.
> > When I spend his cash he won't be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
> > Massages my back & begs to do more.
> > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> > Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
> > I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> > And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
> >
> > MALE PRAYER
> >
> > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts who owns a liquor
> > store & a boat.
> >
> > Amen

This is the truth!!!

[tmelch]

Rick, you forgot RICH in the Male prayer. :D

[S2KOOL]

You also forgot "with hot friends" in the male prayer.

[Grainger49]

I just received this, this morning:

VIAGRA SECRET INGREDIENTS

I knew it, I just knew it. They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

[Aaron]

I can envision Tam doing this to Dman (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1528&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20040812090510&CAT=tvads&NSFW=)

[WebGod]

I just received this, this morning:

VIAGRA SECRET INGREDIENTS

I knew it, I just knew it. They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!That's funny.

[Grainger49]

I can envision Tam doing this to Dman (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1528&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20040812090510&CAT=tvads&NSFW=)
There was nothing there. I suspect my computer, or the driver.

:rolf::laugh::drive:

[Aaron]

try again later - sometimes during midday the site goes down for a bit

[tamara16]

YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!

[s2kjones]

This message is hidden because Nates2k is on your ignore list.

[Aaron]

http://www.sublimedirectory.com/pod_archive/pod_20040713.jpg

[Grainger49]

EEEWWWWWW!!!!!!

I'm Back. Nobody missed me!

[s2 kwkslvr]

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out,
shouting "...holy ****...what a ride!"

-author unknown

[tmelch]

http://www.tlehs.com/tmelcher-ftp/iagree.gif

[s2 kwkslvr]

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Caroline.swf

[s2kjones]

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Caroline.swf
Damn!! I was starting to get excited

[s2 kwkslvr]

Subject: How true......

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you're not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[s2 kwkslvr]

One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife, dressed in a sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went golfing.

[WebGod]

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Caroline.swfYuck!

[WebGod]

Subject: How true......

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably
- Innovative
- Preliminary
- Proliferation
- Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Specificity
- British Constitution
- Passive-aggressive disorder
- Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
- Nope, no more beer for me.
- Sorry, but you're not really my type.
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.Awesome!
:rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

[Doctor T]

Lee can't say most of those things sober

[ace9250]

http://www.consumptionjunction.com/downloadsnew/cj_38413.jpg

http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttp://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[Aaron]

newly discovered video: S2kJones ~ the early years (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1624&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20041004175128&CAT=movies&NSFW=)

[s2kjones]

newly discovered video: S2kJones ~ the early years (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1624&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20041004175128&CAT=movies&NSFW=)
Dammit!! I was told that video would never been seen in public...liars!!

[Aaron]

Pinky is my favorite kitty (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1625)

[Dewain27]

funny....

[s2kjones]

WOW

[s2kjones]

I agree

[s2kjones]

hehe!!!

[tmelch]

Kitty is now pink from the guy's blood!

[tmelch]

Dammit!! I was told that video would never been seen in public...liars!!Now I know why you drive like you do!! :laugh:

[s2kjones]

Now I know why you drive like you do!! :laugh:
It is funny as hell.

:goodjob: Aaron

[S2k Dude]

You might be a Floridian if:


You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan.
If an airboat is parked in your drive instead of a car.
Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time.
You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color.
You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy".
Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in".
Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it.
You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months.
You too haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster.
You've ordered gas cans via FedEx.
You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means.
You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood.
You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw.
Your Street has more than 3 " NO WAKE" signs posted.
You now own 5 large ice chests.
Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down".
You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations.
You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power company trucks come down your street.
You're depressed when they don't stop.
You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood, roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer.
You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags.
You're considering upgrading from a 16" to a 20" chainsaw.
You know what "Bar chain oil" is.
You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear protector, and face shield for Christmas.
You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable.
You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice".
Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy".
You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator doesn't get electric.
And finally you might be a Floridian if... You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds.

[tmelch]

Don't you feel like doing this to somebody every once in a while? :D

http://www.tlehs.com/tmelcher-ftp/penguins.gif

[WebGod]

http://www.tlehs.com/tmelcher-ftp/penguins.gif
That's one of my favorite animations.... I just stare at it for some reason... :D

[s2kjones]

That's one of my favorite animations.... I just stare at it for some reason... :D
Maybe it's because you have nothing better to do. ...same goes for me

[Cyclon36]

I have to agree. The first time I saw it I just stared at it for a few minutes for no reason. I think if the video were about two seconds longer it wouldn't have that effect. It restarts before you have a chance to notice that it's over and you get sucked into watching it over again. Lots of mental anguish on turning away and closing IE.

[s2kjones]

I have to agree. The first time I saw it I just stared at it for a few minutes for no reason. I think if the video were about two seconds longer it wouldn't have that effect. It restarts before you have a chance to notice that it's over and you get sucked into watching it over again. Lots of mental anguish on turning away and closing IE.
Another productive day at work Joe?

[Aaron]

Another productive day at work Joe?isn't that an oxymoron? productive webhead/ IT guy?

[tmelch]

That's one of my favorite animations.... I just stare at it for some reason... :DI wonder what the penguins are thinking. Either the slapper is trying to establish rank or territory, or their just buds having a good time!

[WebGod]

I wonder what the penguins are thinking. Either the slapper is trying to establish rank or territory, or their just buds having a good time!I don't think about it that hard, I just watch it and laugh. :rolf:

[s2 kwkslvr]

Kinda looks like a good ole B!tch slap to me. ;)

[s2kjones]

Nope. The one penguin was falling into the water. The other was trying to help keep him from falling. ...atleast that's the way I saw it

[s2 kwkslvr]

Who is going to pay for the counseling for the pengion?
I guess it depends on who get elected.

[s2kjones]

Who is going to pay for the counseling for the pengion?
I guess it depends on who get elected.
Oh no!! don't start that here too:nono:

[s2 kwkslvr]

OOOOPPPSSS I guess I posted in the wrong thread. :rolf:

[S2KOOL]

Penguins must have elections...if not, there wouldn't be Emperor Penguins.:D

[s2 kwkslvr]

Emperors rule because they are the bigest ! I guess size does matter.

[ToniG]

That's one of my favorite animations.... I just stare at it for some reason... :D I do too....weird....

[ToniG]

Nope. The one penguin was falling into the water. The other was trying to help keep him from falling. ...atleast that's the way I saw it what the ....?
:rolf:

[ToniG]

I want to join in on the fun. I think the slapper was a woman and the other penguin is local neighbor(also female) who tried to get with her man and got caught. Hence the b!tch slap.

[s2kjones]

I want to join in on the fun. I think the slapper was a woman and the other penguin is local neighbor(also female) who tried to get with her man and got caught. Hence the b!tch slap.
hmmm interesting...

[Aaron]

I want to join in on the fun. I think the slapper was a woman and the other penguin is local neighbor(also female) who tried to get with her man and got caught. Hence the b!tch slap.hmmm interesting...give her some slack, I think she's still a little fired up over some recent dealings with my "X" :p

[ToniG]

....cat fight soon follows after the neighbor gets out of the water...... :rolf:

[s2kjones]

give her some slack, I think she's still a little fired up over some recent dealings with my "X" :p
I thought there was a reason why she posted that. Thanks for clearing that up:goodjob:

[ToniG]

thanks babe but I was really just trying to be funny b/c I thought of how some women can't get along with other women and how mean they can be to eachother.

[Aaron]

thanks babe but I was really just trying to be funny b/c I thought of how some women can't get along with other women and how mean they can be to eachother.Sweetheart.....I knew that.....I was just trying to help you be funny....

[s2kjones]

^and she does need help. :D




Just kidding Toni.

[WebGod]

Sweetheart.....I knew that.....I was just trying to help you be funny....OUCH!

[tamara16]

thanks babe but I was really just trying to be funny b/c I thought of how some women can't get along with other women and how mean they can be to eachother.

Sweetheart.....I knew that.....I was just trying to help you be funny....
So what you are saying is that she needs help being funny????

[Aaron]

W.....T......F (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1634&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20041008184434&CAT=movies&NSFW=)

[s2 kwkslvr]

> >
> >
> > Origin of the Internet
> >
> > In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
> >
> > And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
> >
> > And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from
town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy
tent?"
> >
> > And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
> >
> > And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply
telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
> >
> > Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
> >
> > But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete
himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the
young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to
camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Siderites, or NERDS for short.
> >
> > And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every
drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would
work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
> >
> > And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over
by others."
> >
> > And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be
known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
> >
> > And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
> >
> > "YAHOO," said Abraham.
> >
> > And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
> >

[ToniG]

^and she does need help. :D




Just kidding Toni. :( It's true, I'm not funny. I try and try but I'm just not. Poor, poor me.......

[ToniG]

So what you are saying is that she needs help being funny????yep, that's what he's saying!?

[s2 kwkslvr]

http://gprime.net/video.php/goped


compliments of Max

[s2kjones]

http://gprime.net/video.php/goped


compliments of Max
It's all about that power/weight ratio :D

[Cyclon36]

that's hilarious. Who thinks of putting nitrous on a scooter? What a waste of money.

[s2 kwkslvr]

anybody want to run against my scooter? :rolf: :rolf: :drive:

[s2 kwkslvr]

Subject: 100 years ago



THE YEAR 1904 (Just 100 years ago!)


Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1904...one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!


Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:


The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.


Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.


Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.


A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.


There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.


The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.


Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.


With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.


The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.


The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.


The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.


A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.


More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.


Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."


Sugar cost four cents a pound Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.


Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.


Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.


Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.


The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke


The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.


The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!!!


Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.


There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.


Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.


Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking!)


Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.


There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.


And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.

[s2 kwkslvr]

-


Holiday Eating Tips
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.
Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even
rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.
That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.
Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between
now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you
have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.
I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry,
January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have an amazing day!

[Cyclon36]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."


I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."


"That's when I made my big mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'. I don't remember much after that."

[Doctor T]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today".

[Doctor T]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[Aaron]

.....yummy......and sexy.......

http://www.kontrabandcontent.co.uk/1/graphics/pics/bogey_jlo.jpg

[S2KOOL]

Well, that was disgusting.

[WebGod]

.....yummy......and sexy.......

http://www.kontrabandcontent.co.uk/1/graphics/pics/bogey_jlo.jpg
That's just wrong.

[Doctor T]

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So,
frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

[S2KOOL]

Another oldie but goodie.:rolf: :rolf: :goodjob:

[Aaron]

odd euro (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1759&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20041217150522&CAT=movies&NSFW=)

[s2 kwkslvr]

this is pretty hard to take first thing in the a m..
I should have waited until i was better prepared for this experience:laugh:

[suzukasue]

I clicked on the link, but my company's internet usage policy popped up! It must be pretty bad I guess then?

[WebGod]

What a strange and troubled person.

[F8d2Blk]

odd euro (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1759&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20041217150522&CAT=movies&NSFW=)
Atleast he didn't take his shirt off.:nono:

[S2KOOL]

Where's Ed McMahon when you need him. This guy has talent!:rolf:

[Aaron]

I clicked on the link, but my company's internet usage policy popped up! It must be pretty bad I guess then?no...just odd

[Aaron]

oh my goodness (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/drivebyfarting.html)

[Cyclon36]

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day, the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

[F8d2Blk]

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day, the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "No way! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
Thats awesome!:goodjob:

[tamara16]

That is great!!! :rolf: :rolf:

[S2KAli]

Just figured i would leave this link here... seeing as i can't start my own thread... and i wanted to share to happiness with everyone else!

http://www.angelfire.com/psy/cheshire_libra/Gatsby/index.album?i=0

[WebGod]

Just figured i would leave this link here... seeing as i can't start my own thread... and i wanted to share to happiness with everyone else!

http://www.angelfire.com/psy/cheshire_libra/Gatsby/index.album?i=0
Cute!

[F8d2Blk]

Just figured i would leave this link here... seeing as i can't start my own thread... and i wanted to share to happiness with everyone else!

http://www.angelfire.com/psy/cheshire_libra/Gatsby/index.album?i=0
So when are you getting your s2000?

[Aaron]

http://media.big-boys.com/files01/bbpics/pic0569.jpg

[WebGod]

http://media.big-boys.com/files01/bbpics/pic0569.jpgThat's wrong in so many ways... :rolf:

[s2 kwkslvr]

They say that the best way to clean a toilet is to drop in cleaner, 1 cat,close the lid then flush a couple times. It is suggested that the lid be opened very carefully when completed.

[suzukasue]

Not funny :(

[s2 kwkslvr]

Sorry wendy :nono:

[S2KAli]

Not funny :(
I agree....

Gatsby (my kitten) has definatly proven himself to be the ulimate cat!
New pictures have been added...

http://www.angelfire.com/psy/cheshi...index.album?i=0



And in response to F8d2Blk... I plan on getting my S this Summer... if my financial situation stays stead from now until then I will be AOK for my S to enter my life!
:drive: vbmenu_register("postmenu_20951", true);

[Cyclon36]

A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?!"

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

Try this! Suitable for work

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

Concetration test for men. Not too bad for work.

http://www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html

[Cyclon36]

Concetration test for men. Not too bad for work.

http://www.ibogleif.dk/uk/Thetest-uk.html
That's hillarious!

[Cyclon36]

Try this! Suitable for work

http://www.wagenschenke.ch/index2.htm
This one is was a good contest for a while back in the day (5 months ago). You'll find some more good time takers here: http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/showthread.php?t=392

[s2 kwkslvr]

http://pi.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/snow.html

A tad gross

[s2 kwkslvr]

Subject: Carnival Cruise Lines

Special Notice
from Carnival Cruise Lines



NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES
Afghanistan Cruise
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget
that a lot of entertainers had promised
to leave the country
if George W. Bush became President.
With that in mind
We have a Special Offer
for those who still want to keep their promise.



Attention
Would
Alec Baldwin
Rosie O'Donnell
Ed Asner
Whoppi Goldberg
Cher
Phil Donahue
Rob Reiner
Barbara Streisand
Jane Fonda
and anyone else who made that promise,
please dispose of all US assets,
and report to Florida
for the sailing of the Funship Cruise
"Elation"
which has been commissioned
to take you to your new vacation homes
in Afghanistan.
You may opt
at no extra charge
to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor
a Farewell Parade in your honor
through Palm Beach,
Broward,
and Miami-Dade counties
prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay . . .
at least four more years

Note:
Since you advocate strict gun control
you may not bring any

Staffing your voyage is

Bill Clinton
captain

Al Gore
cruise director

Monica Lewinsky
recreation director

Ted Kennedy
lifeguard/emergency procedures director

Ex-Congressman Gary Condit
as intern coordinator

If you have any questions
about making arrangements for your homes,
friends, and loved ones,
please direct your comments to
Senator Hillary Clinton.
Her village can raise your children
while you're gone,
and she can watch over all your money
and your furnishings
until you return.
Bon Voyage!

Is this a great country or what!

[Cyclon36]

I've been waiting to see one of these public proposals go down the drain. I guess the guy figured she'd say yes in public.

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funnymovies/proposalgonewrong.html

[Cyclon36]

Oh, and let's not forget what we do with things that are one of a kind...that's right. We let some guy with shakey hands show it on TV.

http://www.fullofjokes.com/articles/techtv.html

[Aaron]

he'll never work out again (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/treadmill.html)

[Cyclon36]

If you're drunk and getting sick in a stall, lock the door : http://www.wimp.com/puking/

(it's not gross, don't worry)

[Cyclon36]

I don't know why, but I laughed out loud at the end. This is a good reality check on how TV can make you feel differently about something: http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/lamp.wmv

[dp]

Oh, and let's not forget what we do with things that are one of a kind...that's right. We let some guy with shakey hands show it on TV.

http://www.fullofjokes.com/articles/techtv.html
i've seen that one many times...and i still laugh at it...its so real :D

[s2 kwkslvr]

I don't know why, but I laughed out loud at the end. This is a good reality check on how TV can make you feel differently about something: http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/lamp.wmv
OMG how funny:rolf:

[Aaron]

http://media.big-boys.com/files02/bbpics/pic0627.jpg

[Cyclon36]

http://media.big-boys.com/files02/bbpics/pic0627.jpg
that was photochopped

[s2 kwkslvr]

>> > Know Your Passenger
>> >
>> > A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
>> > The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir"
>> >
>> > The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
>> > cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun
>> > needs calibrating."
>> >
>> > Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
>> > "Now don't be silly dear,you know that this car doesn't have cruise
>> > control."
>> >
>> > As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
>> > and
>> > growls,
>> > "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
>> >
>> > The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
>> > thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
>> >
>> > As the officer makes out the second ticket for
>> > the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
>> > at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
>> > "Darn it, woman,can't keep your mouth shut?"
>> >
>> > The officer frowns and says,
>> > "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
>> > That's an automatic $75 fine.
>> >
>> > " The driver says, "Yeah,well, you see officer, I had it on,
>> > but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license
> out
>> > of my backpocket.! "
>> >
>> > The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
>> > seat belt on.
>> > You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
>> >
>> > And as the police officer is writing out the
>> > third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
>> > "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
>> >
>> > The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
>> > "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>> >
>> > (I love this part....)
>> >
>> > "Only when he's been drinking."
>> >
>> >
>> >
>>
>>

[Aaron]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20050114/cp.7b5063878dd7c8d3e07aca3e6865bb02
hehehehehehehe http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[s2 kwkslvr]

:rolf: :goodjob:

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20050114/cp.7b5063878dd7c8d3e07aca3e6865bb02
hehehehehehehe http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[s2 kwkslvr]

AIN'T THIS THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell
which by mistake happened to end up in a man's
head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty
and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone
and scared and yelled at the top of her voice.
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far,
far away......................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"We're down here."

[Aaron]

funny, but my last one was more true to life, Rick

[Aaron]

because she uses the car too (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/handywife.html)

[S2KOOL]

Well that ought to get the women on this site fired up. Brace yourself for the flames.:rolf: :rolf:

[suzukasue]

Uh oh. Aaron you are lucky I can't view what you posted here at work!

[Aaron]

painful to watch (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/badweatherman.html)

[Cyclon36]

Man, that guy is terrible! It's like a bunch of third graders doing the news. Those two girls weren't that great either. It's more like a highschool news than community news.

[KatJ]

A doctor advised an overweight man to lose 75 pounds. The man saw an ad for a guaranteed weight-loss program. He purchased the plan that promised he would lose 10 pounds in three days. The next day, a voluptuous young woman wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that read "If you can catch me you can have me"

She began to run away. He took off after her. A mile later he caught up with her and they had sex. The same woman showed up the next two days. Each time, he ran after her, caught her and had sex with her. On the third day, he was delighted to see he'd lost 10 pounds. So he called the company and ordered the plan that guaranteed he'd lose 20 pounds in seven days. "Are you sure?" asked the telephone rep. "It's our most rigorous program."
"Yes, " he replied.

The next day, the doorbell rang. He opened it, expecting to see the same woman. But instead, a man was standing there wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around his neck that read "If I catch you, you're mine."

[Johnyboy]

A doctor advised an overweight man to lose 75 pounds. The man saw an ad for a guaranteed weight-loss program. He purchased the plan that promised he would lose 10 pounds in three days. The next day, a voluptuous young woman wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that read "If you can catch me you can have me"

She began to run away. He took off after her. A mile later he caught up with her and they had sex. The same woman showed up the next two days. Each time, he ran after her, caught her and had sex with her. On the third day, he was delighted to see he'd lost 10 pounds. So he called the company and ordered the plan that guaranteed he'd lose 20 pounds in seven days. "Are you sure?" asked the telephone rep. "It's our most rigorous program."
"Yes, " he replied.

The next day, the doorbell rang. He opened it, expecting to see the same woman. But instead, a man was standing there wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around his neck that read "If I catch you, you're mine."
:goodjob:

[Cyclon36]

For all you smokers out there:

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funnymovies/thisguyisfunny.html

[Grainger49]

The Secret's Out !

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and low-and-behold a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So.. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for---a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the frigging map again."

[RedHotTeacher]

Ha Ha! I love it! :)

[Grainger49]

I get a lot of really good stuff from one of Paula's work buddys. Sherryl has a good sense of humor about both men and women.

[Cyclon36]

Now this is something we should do to someone on a monthly drive:
http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funnymovies/brakehorn.html

[Aaron]

saw that -- good joke

[KatJ]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Superbowl. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback? Get the quarterback!"
He-LLLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR!!!

[Cyclon36]

I ran across this one on S2ki. I don't think she knows how to post yet. I voted just to see what would happen. Then I read the posts. My side was hurting because I was laughing so hard. Maybe it's just late.

http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=265745

[Aaron]

simple girls can be fun......until they get boring.......and then they're not

[suzukasue]

simple girls can be fun......until they get boring.......and then they're not
Judging by her post/poll, I'm amazed she can even drive a manual transmission car. Bummer 'cause it makes us gals look bad!:nono:

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

simple girls can be fun......until they get boring.......and then they're not
http://www.smilies-world.de/smilies/smilies_Picture/sexy_smilies/3.gif

[WebGod]

http://www.smilies-world.de/smilies/smilies_Picture/sexy_smilies/3.gif
Dan likes bananas... :D

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

Dan likes bananas... :D
Not sure there is anything I can say that won't backfire..:o

[Cyclon36]

Not sure there is anything I can say that won't backfire..:o
Just say "Why yes. Yes I do.":goodjob:

[Cyclon36]

This is a good one: http://www.big-boys.com/articles/planegirl.html

[F8d2Blk]

http://www.thestatenislandboys.com/All_da_Crap_is_here/Sony%20Pic%20Taking.swf

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

http://www.smilies-world.de/smilies/smilies_Picture/sexy_smilies/2.gif

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

I've got a ton of them http://www.smilies-world.de/smilies/smilies_Picture/grosse_smilies/a_smil13.gif

[Grainger49]

Ok, try this and if you don't laugh out loud, you need chemicals:

http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/video/wholinesim1.wmv

From ABC Family (?)

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

would you like to Spank my monkey?
http://www.smilies-world.de/smilies/smilies_Picture/riesige/lil.gif

[Grainger49]

Why? Are you aroused??????

No thank you ! ! ! ! !

[KatJ]

I REALLY didn't need to see Richard Simmons roll around and then see the words "spank my monkey" and "aroused", thanks!

[Grainger49]

What would you have said?

The video was funny. The comments unnecessary. We can delete the comments. But I'm leaving the URL.

[tmelch]

Too much powder!! (http://www.tlehs.com/tmelcher-ftp/tomuchpowder.mpg)

[Grainger49]

I thought we had to learn to do that on command. It seems that it is just part of the male makeup.

[tmelch]

I thought we had to learn to do that on command. It seems that it is just part of the male makeup.I can do it on command, except sometimes I crap in my pants!

[Grainger49]

Now . . . you see . . . I have to side with Kat, that is just TMI!

[KatJ]

What would you have said?

The video was funny. The comments unnecessary. We can delete the comments. But I'm leaving the URL.
I was kidding, you don't have to remove any of it!:rolf:

[Grainger49]

I REALLY didn't need to see Richard Simmons roll around and then see the words "spank my monkey" and "aroused", thanks!
But I missed the smiley face in this one?
http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/food-smiley-004.gif

And Congrats to the club for a woman over 30! Shows there is a more mature appeal.

[KatJ]

But I missed the smiley face in this one?
http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/food-smiley-004.gif
And Congrats to the club for a woman over 30! Shows there is a more mature appeal.
Sorry, I forgot the smiley.

This is the first time in my life I've been called mature as in old. Ouch. :(


:: runs off to apply anti-aging wrinkle cream ::

[Grainger49]

Consider it as a compliment. Mature does mean something other than old. And I consider young women uninteresting.

I asked Paula if I should get an 18 year old for my mid life crisis, or an old Mustang. (She knows I detest 18 year olds) So I got the '66. And we both think it is cool.

But as the oldest poster, you are young enough to be my daughter. So you think you feel old?

[KatJ]

Consider it as a compliment. Mature does mean something other than old. And I consider young women uninteresting.

I asked Paula if I should get an 18 year old for my mid life crisis, or an old Mustang. (She knows I detest 18 year olds) So I got the '66. And we both think it is cool.

But as the oldest poster, you are young enough to be my daughter. So you think you feel old?
:love:

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

Why? Are you aroused??????

No thank you ! ! ! ! !
No! This video reminded me of that SNL skit that Mike Myers did. The nuveo german guy dressed in all black that had a monkey on his talk show. He asked his guests if they wanted to spank his monkey.
.
The thread is titled "Another TRY at humor" it didn't say it had to be successful...:(

[S2KOOL]

I can do it on command, except sometimes I crap in my pants!
TMI...Way TMI!:nono:

[KatJ]

http://www.boingboing.net/2005/02/03/christian_sir_mixalo.html

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

http://www.boingboing.net/2005/02/03/christian_sir_mixalo.html
Damned Baptist ruined another good song. Whats next, boycotting Disney?:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

The reference to the KJV is a dead give away

[ToniG]

Tired of speeding tickets? Want to open up spaces between you and the
cars
around you.

**Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car

**Step 2. Drive VERY FAST

**Step 3. Watch people freak out.

**Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real.
http://www.s2katlanta.com/Gallery/albums/userpics/10006/balloons.jpg

[Cyclon36]

Wow! I have to get some of those for the drives! :D

[WebGod]

Tired of speeding tickets? Want to open up spaces between you and the
cars
around you.

**Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car

**Step 2. Drive VERY FAST

**Step 3. Watch people freak out.

**Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real.
http://www.s2katlanta.com/Gallery/albums/userpics/10006/balloons.jpgThat's funny!

[tonybell_57]

Tired of speeding tickets? Want to open up spaces between you and the
cars
around you.

**Step 1. Tie these balloons to your car

**Step 2. Drive VERY FAST

**Step 3. Watch people freak out.

**Step 4. Tell the nice officer you thought they were real.
http://www.s2katlanta.com/Gallery/albums/userpics/10006/balloons.jpg:rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf: HILARIOUS!!!:rolf: :rolf: :rolf: :rolf:

[Aaron]

I think I'll film how good i am for the ladies (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/firstpersoncrash.html)

[Grainger49]

That's really good. I have to send it to my Porsche friend.

Don't they know those things are heavy in the rear????

[s2kjones]

The driver that fliped wasn't driving a Porsche. He was driving a Subaru. Sucks for him, either way :D

[Cyclon36]

This really is more cool than funny, but I didn't want to start another thread.

http://www.jokaroo.com/extremevideos/amazingdog.html

[Cyclon36]

A guy boarded an airplane headed for Daytona and found his seat in an empty row. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman had boarded the plane wearing a nothing more than a tan and a thin, see-through white dress. Definitely his lucky day, as the beautiful woman stopped at his row, looked her ticket, and took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to a Nymphomaniac Convention at the beach."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my own extensive sexual experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly the beautiful woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

[Cyclon36]

Yesterday, a turtle was trying to cross 285 during rush hour. It's bad enough that it was a turtle. To make matters worse, he only had one leg!!! Do you know how he did it?







Here's a hint: Take the "F" out of "Free" and "Way"...

[Cyclon36]

Another one along the lines of the Horth withperer:


John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked John.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[tmelch]

Waura and Bubba are weally funny!

[Cyclon36]

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

Number 10

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Number 9

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says,"Dam"!

Number 8

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Number 7

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Number 6

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: Transcend Dental Medication.

Number 5

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Number 4

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Number 3

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Number 2

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

it's almost over ......


And finally,

Number 1

I sent ten different puns to my friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did????

[KatJ]

This thread is getting so long, so if this is posted earlier, I apologize.

http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.swf

[F8d2Blk]

This thread is getting so long, so if this is posted earlier, I apologize.

http://www3.ns.sympatico.ca/lyle_24/myhero.swf
This is an oldee but still funny! I think there is a better quality one out there.

[Cyclon36]

Here's a good one. Makes me wish atlanta had more chinese buffetts.

http://www.jokaroo.com/ecards/funnymovies/kidnapfatpeople.html

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

http://funnypictures.dk/funny-picture-459.htm Arab Drifting

[KatJ]

http://www.baconwhores.com/index.html

[LITTLEELVISDAN]

Subject: Cleaning The Toilet
Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[Aaron]

http://www.baconwhores.com/index.htmlif this is real, I'm ordering some for my boss......http://www.s2katlanta.com/%7Es2katl/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[ToniG]

http://www.baconwhores.com/index.html this is hilarious

a great gift for the single guy or someone who loves bacon

I put in our zip and no appointments for 2 weeks! ha

[tonybell_57]

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1918&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20050228151815&CAT=tvads&NSFW=3&page=1

[Aaron]

the corruption is spreading.......excellent.....http://www.planetsmilies.com/smilies/evilgrin/evilgrin29.gif

[Aaron]

funny phone message off Paris Hilton's phone (http://www.big-boys.com/articles/lindsayphone.html)

[Cyclon36]

Damn, why do I always look at these in the middle of the night?

[Cyclon36]

We should only be so lucky to own cars such as these: http://a.wimp.com:8000/v/carsalesman.wmv

[Aaron]

funny.....the time he took to make his ad was worth more than his car

[Cyclon36]

For all you guys that like to work from home: http://www.big-boys.com/articles/disturbhusband.html

[Cyclon36]

What do air force academy guys do in their dorms when no one is watching?

http://uptown.jengajam.com/everybodydance.wmv (right click, save as)

[tmelch]

What do air force academy guys do in their dorms when no one is watching?

http://uptown.jengajam.com/everybodydance.wmv (right click, save as)Which one?

[tmelch]

Never mind, I "right" clicked. :D